My friends would be quick to point out that I am a person who asks a lot of questions. God wired a question mark into my brain where a lot of people have a period. Not only does this come from curiosity, it is the result of wanting to understand things deeply. Some mornings when I am having my quiet time and one of my kitties hops on my lap, I sit there and wonder why God gave them their unique personalities. Jaxi, who my sister affectionately calls, “Jaxi in the middle,” has to be in the center of things. Whatever project I am working on, he’s right there with me. Ask my coworkers and they will verify this. When we were quarantined at home and meeting on Zoom, Jaxi made his weekly appearance traipsing in front of my computer where he would inevitably stop and turn his backside to the camera for a few seconds. Can you say embarrassed? Red-faced and flustered, I cried out, “Why God why?”
When I first became a Christ-follower, I was introduced to Focus on the Family and Dr. James Dobson. To me, he seemed like the perfect father and a reminder that mine was not. My dad’s struggle with alcohol left him emotionally distant. For the most part, he was indifferent, but there were times when his hurtful words did damage. When I came to understand just how important a father is in his daughter’s life, I wrestled with God through the loss and disappointment. Grieving, I cried out, “Why God why?”
Ministry has been one of the best experiences in my life and it has also been one of the hardest. As a woman in ministry, I have to deal with people’s perceptions and interpretation of scripture on what I can or cannot do. Interestingly, I’ve never felt led to be a senior pastor or preach on a Sunday morning. These hot topic issues haven’t been hot topics or issues for me personally. Instead, I’ve focused on what God called me to do, chosen the high road when people have been insulting and dismissive, and trusted that God didn’t make a mistake when he gave me the gifts and personality I have. Yet, when my gender creates problems for others in the Christian community and I want to cry foul, I cry out in confusion, “Why God why?”
Now, I find myself living in a world that doesn’t make sense at all. In the midst of a pandemic, I have grown and thrived as a leader. Ministry hasn’t looked like what I expected. Some days, I wonder if anything will ever be normal again. If not, what does life and ministry look like for us as we go forward? So, I find myself once again asking a lot of questions and reflecting on other times and seasons when I asked, “Why God why?” I don’t have all the answers, but I have a few insights that give me hope.
My days and my times are in God’s hands, not mine. I can’t control everything. Sometimes your cat shows his backside to your coworkers, but that doesn’t make me a crazy cat lady. I just have a crazy cat who likes to be with me face to face and nose to nose. The consequences of that up close and personal contact was a booty shot for everyone else.
We live in a broken world with broken people. Sometimes a father doesn't act like the father you want, but even then he is a reminder that there is a heavenly father who is never emotionally distant or indifferent. I’ve learned that even James Dobson can’t compare with the true Father who calls me his child, holds me close, and loves me dearly on good days and bad days, in normal times or in a pandemic.
The gifts and calling of God are without repentance (Romans 11:29). If God’s calling on my life to ministry wasn’t a mistake, then I don’t have to live or serve as if I am one. Before I was born, God set me apart for himself and determined the works he had for me to do. He knows better than anyone why me and why he chose this purpose for my life. I just need to make sure that I am listening to his quiet voice rather than the misguided voices that seem so much louder.
Why God why? The question that I frequently ask and will probably continue to ask doesn’t often get answered. God doesn’t give me explanations. Instead he gives me revelation that takes me into a deeper relationship with him. Knowing this, I’m actually glad that my brain has a question mark where many others have a period. If not for that, I would have missed out on a lot of insights from the Lord and remained on the surface instead of going deeper with him. Why God why do you use the hard stuff to bring good stuff into my life? Oh that’s easy. It’s because he’s God and I’m not.
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