I cannot say that I grew up with dreams of analyzing daily food journals. And I certainly didn’t practice writing meals plans as a twinkle-eyed 12 year old. But to say I am exactly where I am supposed to be is an understatement. Each day I see more clearly the work that God has done and is doing in my life. The opportunity I have each day to celebrate clients as they achieve their fitness and weight loss goals. To help someone find freedom from doubt and a healthy relationship with food is priceless. However, like so many of us who are seeking to find his path for us, I was not always so certain about what I was doing or where I was headed.
As a kid, we went to church every Sunday morning, and rarely missed Sunday or Wednesday evenings. My parents taught their Sunday School classes, and we hosted church get togethers at our house often. Then the life of a busy teen got in the way. I was a highly competitive youth athlete. I played club and Olympic Development soccer starting at age 12. I played AAU basketball and travel softball. At one point I may have been asked to try out for a football team, but my mom quickly vetoed that. Long story short, I was a jock. I know my physical abilities were a true gift, and sports allowed for invaluable time with my family, friends, and great memories. I have no regrets about those decisions. However, going to church got trumped by road trips and weeknight practices. It was not until I got to graduate school, some 10 years later, that I found my way back to the altar. I had connected with a group of classmates who regularly went to church, which made that commitment so much more impactful. I had loads of laughs and fun, we took weekend trips, we had a Bible Study group, and intramural teams. Those years were among the happiest and healthiest years of my life.
Fast forward to 2008. I met my ex-husband while I was working on my doctorate at MTSU and he owned a gym in Nashville. We had so much in common, shared the same dreams to change people’s lives through health and fitness. I was young and I was blinded by love. So much so that I convinced myself a shared faith was not essential for a happy marriage. “He’s spiritual, but not religious”, I always used to say, justifying to my parents this was the one for me. By that I meant he practiced meditation; he had a belief in a higher power. But he did not grow up in the church and had no interest in going with me. And so, during the 10 years of our marriage, I was yet again yanked away from his path, and from his arms. I did not recognize the connections at the time, but in looking back I can so clearly identify the points in my life when I had priorities other than my relationship with God.
In 2018, I had given up on Christ. How could a God with infinite love put so much on my shoulders? In the span of 9 months, from October 2018 through March of 2019, I had back surgery, I spent 30 days in an eating disorder treatment program, officially separated from my husband, and totaled my car when someone sped through a flashing red light at 5:30am. Since that car accident I have been in chronic pain with a C Spine (neck) disc herniation, a torn labrum in both hips, and ongoing repercussions of a bad back. I woke up every day asking, “why me?”, and “why would anyone who loves me want this for me?”
It took COVID, and Zoom sermons, failed Bible Study attempts, and hesitations about being accepted back after having let go of His hand for so long to bring me back this last time. What if I am too late? What if he has written me off?
But the more I have invested and the more I have laid down control (and I am a control freak!), the more I realize that my timeline is not his. I realize that so much of what I provide to my clients as it relates to personal health, pain management, disordered eating patterns, performance and overcoming mental and emotional barriers to change, are the direct result of all this suffering. I could not be empathetic and offer personal experience and counseling had I not gone through so much of these circumstances myself.
Every single gift that has allowed me to reach this place in my career are the very same that fueled my passions as a little girl. I have always loved to compete, and I loved being part of a team, with a goal…but more than anything, I liked to win. This competitive instinct has allowed me to push thresholds and achieve many milestones in my personal and professional career. But the greatest reward is seeing a client walk in emotionally and mentally defeated, physically frustrated, and knowing I can be the answer to their freedom from those struggles. Christ freed us from our struggles through his own sacrifice and suffering. I know that I have suffered, and I have been lost so that I can now help others find their ultimate potential. Over the course of my career, I have seen 2 clients lose over 100lbs, many others other’s 50 or 75lbs. These are lifesaving, physically transforming results. I would be a liar if I said the numbers don’t matter, especially when those numbers indicate health risk and affecting the trajectory of their future.
However, it is the non-scale victories that last. It is a grandpa being able to get down on the floor and play with his grandkids, it is a bride feeling confident and beautiful walking down the aisle, it is an athlete putting on 10lbs of muscle and making the varsity team, a new mom losing the baby weight and modeling health and vitality for her family. Those have no numerical value, they are not defined by the number on the scale, or what is written on the tag of your favorite pants.
When I meet with clients in my office, or chat with them about their daily food choices, or their meal plan for the week, I get a glimpse into their lives. I can feel their struggles, and I can celebrate their wins. The challenge is being able to put myself into their reality and help them to create a sustainable, manageable approach that works with their life. This is the same way that God looks at our hearts, seeing our dreams, knowing our pain, and using our pain to make us stronger. I am not giving up. I am still fighting every day to find freedom from pain and suffering. But what I know is that I cannot, and I will not, try to do it alone ever again.