Sitting in my office at work as the ding of another email hit my inbox, I listened to the sound of a child crying in an exam room down the hall, the numbers on the spreadsheet on my desk blurring together. My pager started beeping to let me know that they are finally ready for me in the OR an hour and a half later than scheduled. I had a To Do list a mile long, and there was no way I was leaving for the day until after dark.
Cue the tears – I could feel the sting as they pooled in my eyes. Trying not to cry every day had at some point become the norm. I attempted to compose myself to finish out my day, thinking to myself that this pace was not sustainable.
Leaving work every day at a time when I should already have dinner on the table couldn’t continue.
Having no emotional energy to engage with my kids outside of barking orders and making demands was weighing on me.
Sitting in front of the TV mindlessly with my husband each night because I couldn’t formulate thoughts outside of an empty, “How was your day?”
Realizing that conversation with friends always started with the question, “How’s work?” and, beyond that, feeling like I never actually connected with anyone.
I had come to the point that I was always running late, no matter where I was going. When things that weren’t on my To Do list crept up, it took everything in me not to have a meltdown that could rival the most difficult toddler. I found myself going through the motions of life, but experiencing a serious case of compassion fatigue. I just didn’t have anything left to give to anyone.
Then the word hit me. MARGIN. I needed margin in my life. Margin to hear God speak. Margin to be truly present with my family and friends. Margin to see the opportunities the Lord placed in front of me to reach the world for His kingdom.
But how could I create margin in my hectic schedule? Nothing that I was doing was in and of itself bad or a waste of time. I had a job devoted to helping kids, I ran a busy and successful program, I was conducting important research. My kids were involved in church activities where they were being poured into and extracurricular programs that peaked their creative interests. I was participating in Bible study (though not always finishing my homework). Even though there was little “extra” time in my jam-packed schedule, it was filled with good things.
I brushed the word aside. In this season of life, margin was just not a possibility.
A few Sundays later, the preacher was speaking on how God has commanded us to participate in the mission of reaching others with the good news of Jesus. At the end of the message he asked, “What is keeping you from engaging in the mission of God right now?... Is it perhaps an over-full schedule? God wants to take everything that is in our schedule and use it for his mission and his plan and his purpose. But if we pack our schedule so much with work and play and activities where there is no time to be on mission, we need to re-evaluate.”
There it was again. It was one of those moments when you know God is speaking through another person directly for your benefit. In that moment, I felt my attitude begin to shift. I wanted to be free to be used by God, to be present in the moment to hear how God was leading me in the mission he has set before us.
But just in case I had any doubt, God wanted to make sure I heard the message loud and clear.
The Bible study I was participating in was examining the life of Elijah, how God walked him through seasons of stillness and waiting to prepare him for the work that lay ahead. During these times of uncertainty and without knowing what his future held, God was growing Elijah's patience and reliance on him. As we dug deeper each week, I found myself drawn to the brook Cherith, the season of rest that God led Elijah to on his way to Mount Carmel.
And then, right smack dab in the middle of week four, there it was again. MARGIN.
The author equated margin to Sabbath, a command in scripture, noting that our relationship with God “should distinguish the pace and pursuits of our lives from those who are unbelieving.”
Hebrews 4:9-11 (CSB) says, “Therefore, a Sabbath rest remains for God’s people. For the person who has entered his rest has rested from his own works, just as God did from his. Let us, then, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall into the same pattern of disobedience.”
OUCH. My frenzied, always on the go, stressed to the max lifestyle was not helping others see Jesus. I was so consumed with ticking things off my list for the day that I was missing opportunities right in front of me. And not only that, not having margin in my life was disobedience.
At some point, I had gotten my priorities out of order. Instead of filtering each task through the lens of what God would have for me, I was doing and working and stumbling and clawing my way through, hoping that there would be something left over at the end of all of it for my family and for God. And when you are always talking and moving, you can’t hear what God is saying or see where he’s leading. Those conversations happen in the margin. In the early hours as you spend time alone with God. In the minutes before bedtime when you’re tucking in your children. In late-night conversations with your spouse. In the impromptu meetings with neighbors in your driveway. In the checkout line at the grocery store.
God wants to use us for his mission of reaching the world with the gospel, but we must be available to hear the directions God is giving us.
Over the past few months, I’ve made changes at work to create a less stressful, more flexible schedule that has made for a better work-life balance. I resigned from my leadership position, and I delegated tasks that I was certain could only be done well if I did them. I’m spending time daily in God’s Word. I play outside with my kids. I’m working to be intentional in my relationships with those around me. Overall, my pace is a much slower one. I won’t lie; it has been a season of deprogramming, a lesson in letting go of my pride, and reminding myself daily that my identity is not my career — it’s who I am in Christ.
For now, I’ll rest in this Cherith, growing and learning as I wait for the next chapter in the story God has written for me.
Brittany Day